how many milligrams does it take
to reach the nectar sweet
a peace to surpass the shadow
for the fog to fall away
how many times can you crawl toward a home full of hell
before you begin
to fall away
bit by fleshy bit
how many milligrams does it take to know that
your terrors will tell on you
slip unconscious out your mouth
naked as day
i am an awkward bird
trying to find footing in the wind
instead of flying
instead tumbling
how many milligrams will it take before i reach my final form
phoenix red
a wingspan of fire
a blue green sea
swelling
a citrine sunset
or
is there no ending
only a series of sheddings
moon phases of existence
a perpetual spectrum
i am a shifting shape
seedling and blooming
becoming again and
again
won’t you celebrate with me
this commitment to knowing
worth as a birthright
as certain as steady bones
wont you celebrate with me
this story
once upon a time
way way back
there was a human blackbird hybrid born in the body of woman
who wandered many earths in search of herself
the one who could fly
the one who could feel deeply
and not plummet
and everywhere she went she found
she was too small
too tucked into
to do much else but weep
and keep going
she would get there
to herself
even if she had to walk on her knees
for days and days
and one night, pitch and still
she saw a beacon in the distance
dancing in the dark parts
it called her to come like water
and she roared forward
it told her
the light had been her all along
was of her
and she wondered
if this was real
if within her lived
what she had been looking for
suddenly then
feathers began to rip the skin of her back
a pain without a bottom
shot through her shoulders
as she fell upon the dirt
finally
knowing
won’t you celebrate with me
that everyday i have tried to kill me
and have failed
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